Wednesday, May 02, 2007

My Last Day before Motherhood


(Deep breath) In one day, I will ship off to Nine Wells Hospital in Dundee for my elective cesearan surgery.
Let me take a deep breath again. Actually, it's in a matter of hours now.

This is my last day on this planet of being solely responsible for myself. And I'm absolutely terrified.

The last month has been hectic and stressful while Andy and I try and tie up all the loose ends and get the apt. and ourselves ready for the new member of our family to arrive. It's been interesting to see how people friends and strangers react to us as well as seeing my reaction to others.
I've been learning so much about myself. For example, I hate leaving the house because I feel that everyone stares at my belly as we walk down the street. It feels like there's this big spotlight on me belly in a town where I already stand out racially. I don't like that attention. And so, I just want to hide.

I'm also learning that people (particularly family members) have very different reactions to the coming birth. Some members are more concerned with keeping their daily work routine rather than actually being present for the child's first day on this planet. Some members haven't even bothered to send a gift, much less a card. (This is a truly pathetic display of parental love considering I have friends who have spent literally hundreds of dollars on essential baby needs and my family has done nothing).
At this point, there's no telling if they will even make the journey from America to see the child...possibly one of the only chances before they die.

I wish I could say I had that close-knit family that would drive me crazy with attention and love. But that's not the case. That has never been the case. It will never be the case. I accept that now.

My true family have always been supportive and joyful for me. They are not blood related but their dedication and loyalty to me, Andy and our baby is thicker than blood.

My entire pregnancy has been difficult physically, emotionally, and mentally. I can't say I've enjoyed it. I've been sick every single day since I found out I was knocked up. There has been nothing that anyone can do. It's just what some "lucky" women experience.
Sometimes, I feel down because I'm just worn out from being sick all the time and I am not enjoying the pregnancy. I feel selfish for wishing I had my body to myself again and I was in control of what shape and size I am. I wish I only felt only excitement instead of fear and worry.

The propagation of our species is the most innately natural aspect of life and yet, none of this feels remotely "natural" to me.
There's always that voice in my head (sometimes quietly, sometimes blaringly loud) saying: what the hell did you get yourself into?!

Becoming a mother was never something I imagined for myself. But now that that role is immiment, I've oscillated between terrifying feelings, others of excitement and slight depression.
I am a worrier. I don't want to be the kind of parent my parents were. Andy and all my friends try and reassure me that I will be a great parent. But despite that, I wish I had my mom here for support.

This is the first time in my life I find that I actually need her and she's gone.

For whatever reasons, my friends and husband are 100% sure that I will make an excellent mother. I can only trust that my friends are right--that I am instinctually maternal and will be a great mother. I keep repeating to myself that I must, that I will love my child and show them that I accept them completely. And then I have the image of them ending up on Jerry Springer 15 years from now, as the newest "video-ho" or explaining that going through life lazy, fat, and stupid with a string of kids from multiple partners is the best thing.

I swear, I'll kill that child!

But I am a person of logic, an observer of patterns, and most importantly, "evidence". I have nothing here to guide me that would make me believe what my friends and husband seem to just "know".

For the first time in my life, I will have to go simply on FAITH that I will be a good mother.

10 Comments:

At May 2, 2007, 11:29:00 PM, Blogger Diane said...

I know you're scared, but I'm excited for you! I was scared too, and in less than a month my boy will be one year old. I can't imagine life without him. Yeah, everything's different. I have to type one-handed because he's on my lap, there's zucchini stuck to the dining room carpet, and I'm in bed by nine these days, but he's incredible. I wouldn't trade it, and neither will you once you get that child in your arms. The heart grows. Good luck to you!!!

 
At May 3, 2007, 8:20:00 AM, Blogger Pille said...

Wish you all the best for tomorrow! And I'm sure you'll do just fine as a mother :)

 
At May 3, 2007, 4:42:00 PM, Blogger John Schaefer said...

Good luck Peggy and Andy! Post a picture or something when Baby X gets here...

 
At May 4, 2007, 5:25:00 PM, Blogger Bhuidhe said...

Of course you'll be a good mother Peggy.
I just got the lovely photo of the beautiful wee man proud Dad sent.
He'll teach you everything you need to know, just listen to him. That's the only piece of advice I'll ever give unless I'm asked: listen.
You'll build your family as you go, like I've had to here on my own. Your child will help you learn about people and note who's there and who isn't.
You'll hear your mum if you listen carefully. I hear my dad all the time (and I swear I'm not smoking anything!)
Don't know when you'll get the time to read this (hats off to Diane!) but when you do I'm sure you'll already be up and running, no sweat.

 
At May 5, 2007, 12:44:00 AM, Anonymous aulelia said...

You are just going to be great :). Congratulations!

P/S - I got the flowers. Stunning and thank you -- I should give them to Ruben :)

xxxxxxxxx

 
At May 7, 2007, 9:51:00 PM, Anonymous ina said...

peggy?

i thank cecile that i found you. and i'm really happy for you - i think momming is largely a matter of jumping in with both feet, and i know you're good at doing that. i bet the baby's gorgeous, but not as gorgeous as you look.

many many congrats...
ina

 
At May 8, 2007, 12:58:00 AM, Blogger Jamie Brandon said...

CONGRATS!!!! PEG....You'll be a great mom...

 
At May 17, 2007, 4:04:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Peggy, I am sure that I am reading this several days after the arrival of the baby. However, I wish you and Andy the best as you welcome the newest addition to your family. You will be a great mommy. You have the heart for it.

Best,
Nedra

 
At May 20, 2007, 8:47:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
At May 21, 2007, 3:01:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Peggy,
Congrats! I am sure it is several days after the arrival of the new member of the family, but please know that you were in my thoughts on your special day and every day since. There is a package on its way, I promise!!!
Like I have said before, you will be a great mother! I have no doubt. You have enough love to fill that child (and your growing family) with feelings of love, comfort, support, and confidence. It is okay to be a worrier - for now - but that, like the shape of you body will change and alter as well!!
With love and new mother understanding,
Whitney, Trevor & Ayotide.

 

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