It only took 37 years...
Hi Mom,
I found this picture of you the other day. I thought it was appropriate to look at it again today.
Remember when you were this age?
Well, I just thought I'd drop you a little line. Since you've gone, I've thought a lot about our relationship. I know it wasn't what you wanted. Every time I see your photos of how beautiful you were, I wonder how hard that must have been to have a daughter that didn't look anything like you or behave in any manner as you wanted. Our troubled relationship wasn't what I wanted either. But I'm learning forgiveness and moving on. I wanted you to just accept me for who I was.. an irreverent, feisty tomboy with average (maybe less than average) looks and with an unusually strong will. In your eyes, those were not qualities befitting a young woman. You never thought I behaved much like a lady. But I have forgiven you for making me feel like I was too strange and not feminine enough.
Of course, I'm not quite at the point where I've forgiven myself for not being what you wanted. I suppose that will come in time.
But I'm sure you know now that I've gotten the one thing you really wanted for me. I have a wonderful man who's everything Dad wasn't. And now, I'm pregnant too! I'm sorry you're going to miss the birth of my child in a few months--miss he/she growing up; miss me learning how to be a mother.
It's funny to me that after all these years of thinking I could learn nothing from you, I've finally arrived someplace where I wish you were here to help me through it. It only took 37 years for me to get there but, I'm here now if without you.
Motherhood and babies were always so natural...organic to you, while it was the last thing I ever imagined for myself.
I finally managed to become the kind of woman that you'd be happy with, mom. It's just a shame that the cancer couldn't hold back for a few more years. You died just before I met him; before my entire world changed.
Still, I hope you have a great view of us.
So there you have it, mom: I'm finally living that dream of yours--happily married and pregnant.
That's my gift to you, mom.
Happy Birthday.
posted by Peggy Brunache @ 2:30 PM
10 comments
10 Comments:
this post is poignantly beautiful. the loss of a parent who you love is devastating whether you are 2 years old or 42. I too lost a parent and that pain never leaves but happiness comes in other ways (in your case, a marriage and child!)
you know that she is proud of you and that is all that matters.
she was beautiful by the way! absolutely stunning in fact. was she born and bred in Haiti?
Hi Peggy, we've never met, I'm an old pal of your man's. Sorry if I just burst in on your blog like this!
How strange our mothers have the same birthday. I lost my Dad a little more than a year ago, but you know what Peggy, he's still looking out for me like your mum is for you, for sure. The snowdrops he planted for me in my garden have come up. He dug them up in the woods next to home and put them in his pocket to plant in my garden straight off the plane to Italy.
As far as beauty is concerned, well your man seems to think you're just fine! And as the mother of three bairns, it's what you have inside you that is beautiful, and will give you the best of you. I just had an accident and got burned, I guess I'll have some scars, but I don't care. My oldest boy who's 9 probably saved my life and I'm just so grateful every day my babies are OK. They're the best part of me.
All this just to wish you much joy with your baby Peggy. I'm sure you'll be a great mother.
Jane
PS I don't know if you should worry about this, but Andy once told me he wanted four children... ;-)
Aulelia,
Girl, thank you for the lovely thought. As for my mom, she was born in Haiti...didn't move to the US until her late 20s/early 30s.
Hello Jane,
Thank you for the comments! It must be wonderful to have those snowdrops from your dad--like a loving message you get every year around the same time just to remind you of him. Still, I'm so sorry to hear about the recent accident. Thank goodness your eldest son was there!
As for the number of children...well, I'll let him dream for now. I'll smack him with reality in a couple of years!
I agree with Aulelia and Jane. This is quite moving. You do actually favor your mom around the eyes. Losing a parent has to be one of the most difficult things we go through (whether as children or adults) but I do believe our love one's energy is somewhere in the universe and we can call upon it (like you just did) when we need to.
damn you for making me cry at my desk into my subway sandwich.
-S
Jesus Peggy...there are really no words. In Orisa, it is said that after our loved ones pass on into the next life, they become better at helping us to handle the things that we struggle with in life. Perhaps while she was living your mother simply struggled with too much of her own pain and baggage to give you the guidance and support that you needed. But now that she has become an ancestor she can see the world and you with clearer eyes. Be sure to honor her as best you can in your daily life - a small altar perhaps or flowers near her photo - she is ever present, loving you and watching over you and your family.
And for the record, although we aren't family, I don't think I could be prouder of any friend than I am of you and all that you have accomplished and the wonderful risks that you have taken. I love you with all of my heart and know that we love you the way you are, being your wild, loving Peggy-self, just like the Creator intended.
Courtney
Hi Peg,
I found resonance with your recent post (1/29/07). My mom (and dad)does not understand me very well right now and her approach to trying to understand is to ignore the things she doesn't like about me. I realize that I have to be strong and make her accept me for who I am. If only I could find the appropriate way to do this. Maybe I should start a blog myself and tell her to read it and hopes she gets the message.
Thanks to everyone who left comments. You've all helped me to accept what I've said and what I want to believe more readily. It has meant a lot, especially to know that there are others who have similar difficulties with their moms.
Very beautiful.
Dear Peggy,
This post really spoke to my heart. I’ve had a very , very difficult relationship with my bipolar mother for most of my life and I often find myself struggling to let go of my hurt and pain and deal with our issues. It’s not a battle that I am always up for, so I spend more time than I care to admit simply ignoring her. That’s horrible-isn’t it? I ignore my own mother and wish she’d stop lying to herself and to me about how things are. Maybe I am the one who needs to stop lying to themselves-maybe I should just learn to accept her for who she is-blemishes and all.
I often times think that God made my world this way so that I can find something profound to say to the world about forgiveness and love. Or perhaps so that I’ll learn to take the other people in my life who I love seriously and treat them with respect. Who knows-sometimes I think life and love are just cruel jokes we play on each other while we wait to die. Or maybe I’m just hurt that my current life is so difficult.
I’m sorry that your Mom passed before you could resolve your issues and feel love from her. I hope you are getting what you need now from those around you.
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